FRONT COVER

page 21 LIFE OF DAMIAN VAN-HYPE, PT TWO ; Virulent Virus comes to earth

From the very first moment Virulent Virus,the Alien,landed in a farm on planet earth it made an instant impression on the farming couple, Mr and Mrs Van-Hype, who were to become his adopted parents. It was nothing to do with it's spacecraft burning up their crop, destroying half their livestock, or crushing their favourite tractor, it was the alien's physical form that caught their attention. Apart from it's strangely mature nostrils and unearthly stare, it looked every bit like a young human being of diminutive stature.

The wholesale devastation of the Van-Hype's holding would have resulted in a pitchfork locating the most sensitive part of Alien's anatomy, had it not been for Mrs Van-Hypes timely intervention.

"Wait dear!", implored Mrs Van-Hype,"shouldn't we try to see the devastation of our farm from the Alien's point of view".

"What the hell are you talking about?" exclaimed Mr Van-Hype, through clenched teeth.

"Well, the Alien seems to be some kind of artist and probably sees our farm going up in flames as a breathtaking scene of smoke,death and destruction", explained Mrs Van-Hype.

But Mrs Van-Hype's attempt at reasoning didn't quench her husband outrage and had to resort to more direct pleading.

"Don't do it dear!",pleaded Mrs Vnd-Hype,"please don't do anything with that pitchfork until the Alien has a chance to explain why it considers the near wiping out of our livelihood to be a a work of art".

But Mrs Van-Hype had no reason to be concerned as the alien displayed an irresistible hypnotic charm,especially when it came under attack.Even as Mr Van-Hype let rip with a torrent of venomous fundamental truths like " YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN AN OBNOXIOUS LITTLE RUNT WHO IS OBSESSED WITH DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!",the alien just smiled,and Mr Van-Hype was overcome with the desire to adopt it.

Mrs Van-Hype could not have been more pleased as she always wanted a son, and because it bore a striking resemblance to themselves, especially around the nostrils, made it even more special.

The Van-Hypes may have lost a farm, but they had gained a son, and his name would be Damian Van-Hype, the same as great grandad Van-Hype,the artist, who also had a grossly exaggerated sense of his own importance, as did every Van-Hype, in whatever happened to be their chosen field of activity.

PAGE 22; the life of Damian Van-Hype,pt 2

Although the alien was not entirely sure about it's new name,Damian Van-Hype,it was more sure about losing it's real name,Virulent Virus, and so it embraced it's new earth parents, promising to be a true and loving son,which suited the Van-Hypes because now they could put it to work for free.

Mrs Van-Hype was more convinced than her husband of Damian's artistic abilities and suggested their son might produce some masterpieces to finance the rebuilding of the farm and perhaps even their retirement in old age.

It sounded oh so easy.All they had to do was leave it with a pencil and paper and wait for the lolly to flow in, but it didn't quite work out that way, because when it was confronted with said pencil and paper all that appeared after a full day was a blank sheet.

Mrs Van-Hype didn't give up and thought maybe it's media was paint,but that didn't seem to be the case either, because after a week with a full pallet of paints,canvas and every brush emaginable, nothing happened.Mrs Van-Hype began to worry and started to express doubts about her judgement of Damian, but that was nothing compared to her husband, who was on the brink of reversing their decision to adopt the Alien.

"What's the point of keeping it if it can't draw or paint" exclaimed Mr Van Hype,"we might as well hand it over to the appropriate authorities, and have done with it!"

"No we wont" demanded Mrs Van-Hype,"and let's get one thing straight, he's is, and always will be, our dear son Damian, and not an 'IT'!"

Nothing more was said as Mr and Mrs Van-Hype made their way outside to hide the spacecraft, but they needn't have bothered as it had already mysteriously disappeared. Suddenly realizing there was much more to Damian than they had previously thought, they rushed back to the farm cottage where they had left Damian alone. They weren't sure what they were expecting to find,but if it was their intention to stop it happening. Unfortunately, it was too late. Every stick of furniture was sawn in two; chairs,tables,and even doors, everything!

Mr Van-Hype's only concern was for the cat, while Mrs Van Hype was thinking Damian was annoyed because they didn't understand the blank paper and canvas were the actual works of art.On-the-other-hand, perhaps they were standing in the midst of the masterpiece,'DIVIDED FURNITURE IN A DIVIDED SOCIETY', either way, it could be the start of a new genre...and if Damian could make a spacecraft disappear, then perhaps he could do the same with high minded art critics that may regard his effort as so much junk.The future looked rosy.

page 23; life of Damisn Van-hype, pt two

Grandad Van-Hype, who had been down the pub during the extra terrestrial event, came rushing through the door shouting,"Hey, guess what, one o'them UFO things has been spotted coming down, and they say it landed somewhere around here!"

Mrs Van-Hype didn't want their son growing up being called a UFO or worse,and so after a quick think she said to grandad, who also wouldn't accept a UFO as a grandson,"Now listen grandad,we never told you how our first born was kidnapped at birth...well he was, and now he's been returned to us all grown up to be a fine boy, and, thank god, he's alright and normal, apart from his eyes... just don't look at his eyes!"

There was nothing to worry about because just like Mr and Mrs Van-Hype wanting a son, Grandad wanted a grandson, and nothing more was said on the matter.

The Van-Hypes could now see the way ahead to launch Damian's career, which they could not have considered had Damian not the power to destroy all critics intent on blocking his path to the top. It all seemed pretty straight forward and nothing could possibly go wrong, but the Van-Hypes were not taking any chances and embarked on a program of disciplines.

First, they agreed to always refer to Damian's work pieces as ART,and not JUNK, until he was older and wiser to understand the use of the ART word was just for the punters.

Also on the list would be instructions on how the most humble object will be transformed into an iconic metaphor for the meaning of life when touched by Damian..


Deluding Damian into thinking his JUNK was ART proved not be the most difficult part of his education as the Van-Hypes suspected he actually thought it was art,although they were never really sure,however,teaching him how to deliver the woffle words to justify the existence of his junk art proved to be more difficult, as it involved learning a whole new language of meaningless claptrap,


The Punters might be deluded into thinking Damian's art was something more than junk, but the Van-hypes weren't,which is why they were prepared to accept almost anything he might offer as his next and most significant work..or so they thought, in fact, nothing could have prepared them for what Damian created next...or to be more factual,FOUND.

TO BE CONTINUED...

PAGE 20 . WHEN DID IT ALL GO SO WRONG?

Art has traveled a long and winding road since the Barbizon School of art( 1830-1870 ) cut loose from the formal classical landscape style of the period,and somewhere along the way, a wrong turning was made that allowed JUNK ART to take a hold on our culture. But it's not just art, wrong turnings must have been made on every every human endeavour, otherwise we wouldn't now be in the LAST CHANCE SALOON desperately trying,this time,not to make the wrong turnings.

But the issue in question is to do with the travel of art and when it took the wrong turning.

The BARIZON SCHOOL was a major turning point,and although it was a radical movement in a period dominated by the classical academies, it still aimed at producing the commonly accepted concept of a finished painting, just as it's inspirational figure did, John Constable.

Impressionism was the next major turning in 1875, and is considered as the natural successor to the Barbizon school.It's disregard for the conventional and traditional views of art,especially when it came to the current opinion of what constituted a finished work of art, attracted the disenfranchised avant garde and was to consequently spawn many other radical genres.

Another turn in the road came in 1906 when the TATE GALLERY exhibited a group of William Turner's unfinished paintings to the delight of the MODERNISTS who judged them to be the greatest example of impressionism. William Turner was reborn as an avant garde and father of impressionism.Those artists, and so called artists, devoted to pushing the boundaries, had a great artist they could identify with, and art continued to evolve unabated in every imaginable direction. And although most schools produced plausible works of art, there was a general trend to dumbing down artistic content-

Possibly, the last turning came in 1984...WHEN IT ALL WENT SO WRONG. The PRIZE that took the name of the great landscape artist TURNER in vain, was born amidst a chorus of mocking derision from the media and howls of 'HOAX' from the public. If impressionism attracted the disenfranchised avant garde, then the JUNK ART PRIZE attracted the dispossessed and hopeless.

You may consider it's not too late to have a Renaissance in art that would return sanity to our culture, but it may prove easier to stop the ice caps melting than to reverse the AVARICE, MONEY SPINNING,CUNNINGLY MARKETED movement of JUNK ART.The trouble is ,these so called artists have been able to put themselves on a pedestal by avoiding interviews not primed to go along with their mumbo jumbo.Furthermore,because their so used to going unchallenged, they actually believe they never will be, and it's high time they were found out by seeing them for what they are.

The words that come out of the mouths of Junk Prize Artists is so much obscure mumbo jumbo that defies analysis,however there is a very rare unguarded moment when the words form sufficient sense that can be analyzed and challenged,such as;
when Antony Gormley decreed his ONE AND OTHER activity to be the NEW ART, and what's in the National Art Gallery to be the OLD ART, with the implication that it's redundant and inferior to what he practices,a practice which, incidentally, is judged to be art only by Gormley and his in circle , then there really has to be a reality check,and we could start by asking one simple question, "HAS THE ART WORD BEEN TURNER PRIZED TO DEATH?".
Forensisflush

PAGE 17. LIFE OF DAMIAN VAN-HYPE

Deep in the heart of a parallel universe was a planet much like our own Earth in every respect, but for one fundamental difference; it looked into the future and saw ENDLESS PROGRESS IN TECHNOLOGY leading to a DARK AND SOULLESS WORLD, and therefore decided, AS ONE UNIFIED COMMUNITY, not to embark on ANY INVENTION which would ultimately bring it to a period equivalent to our INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION. Instead, they devoted their lives to organically caring for the planet, and pursuing excellence in art.

The planet was known throughout the infinite myriad of universes for it's gentleness and love of art, not because of evidence, as there was none, but because every intellectual creature logically concluded there had to be a world more perfect than their own,and they were right, it was called UTOPIA.

Living with nature and not fighting nature, bestowed longevity on the lives of Utopians.

Conservation of nature was at the heart of Utopians' everyday lives, and because they were not preoccupied with self-vanity and only saw beauty in nature, LANDSCAPE artists' flourished.

All the great landscape artists we know and love existed on Utopia in the parallel universe, and remarkably, because of the extended life span of all Utopians, artists had the opportunity to meet those great artists of the past who offered them inspiration, and those great artist of the past had a chance to confront their critics in the future.

William Turner, the great landscape painter, would not have had a chance to meet his inspirational icon, CLAUDE LORRAIN, on earth as he died when Turner was only seven years,but would have on utopia. The measure of Turner's respect for Claude Lorrain was made clear in his will where he left wishes for his paintings to be hung alongside Claude Lorrain's paintings in the National Art Gallery. It will never be known what conversation took place between the two great artists, but it's quite possible Claude Lorrain would have found William Turner inspirational, especially if the meeting took place at the peek of Turner creativity.

Sir Joshua Reynolds must have turned in his grave when the Pre-Raphaelites hurdled insults at him. How dare a bunch of INDULGENT ROMANTICISTS criticize a great PORTRAIT PAINTER and CO-FOUNDER of the ROYAL ACADEMY OF ART! Sir Joshua Reynolds would have been justified in confronting the Pre-Raphaelites on Utopia, but, on-the-other-hand, it may not have been necessary as it's easier to insult the dead than the living, especially someone like Sir Joshua Reynolds who commanded universal respect and admiration.

page 18. life of damian van-hype

It seemed Utopian values in life and culture were not only set to last into eternity, but become stronger, richer, and deeper year-on-year because it would never be contaminated by outside influences, until one day, a spaceship, bearing an alien, obviously unaware of the idyllic society he was to become a flawed part of, landed on Utopian soil. The alien was called Virulent Virus, a name it longed to change and did, to Damian Van-Hype but not until it came to Planet earth many years later.

Utopians were not accustomed to inviting strangers into their midst, but their Utopian good nature made it natural for them to welcome Virulant Virus without knowing or even inquiring into why he had been ejected from every planet in the Parallel Universe... but they were soon to find out.