page 21 LIFE OF DAMIAN VAN-HYPE, PT TWO ; Virulent Virus comes to earth

From the very first moment Virulent Virus,the Alien,landed in a farm on planet earth it made an instant impression on the farming couple, Mr and Mrs Van-Hype, who were to become his adopted parents. It was nothing to do with it's spacecraft burning up their crop, destroying half their livestock, or crushing their favourite tractor, it was the alien's physical form that caught their attention. Apart from it's strangely mature nostrils and unearthly stare, it looked every bit like a young human being of diminutive stature.

The wholesale devastation of the Van-Hype's holding would have resulted in a pitchfork locating the most sensitive part of Alien's anatomy, had it not been for Mrs Van-Hypes timely intervention.

"Wait dear!", implored Mrs Van-Hype,"shouldn't we try to see the devastation of our farm from the Alien's point of view".

"What the hell are you talking about?" exclaimed Mr Van-Hype, through clenched teeth.

"Well, the Alien seems to be some kind of artist and probably sees our farm going up in flames as a breathtaking scene of smoke,death and destruction", explained Mrs Van-Hype.

But Mrs Van-Hype's attempt at reasoning didn't quench her husband outrage and had to resort to more direct pleading.

"Don't do it dear!",pleaded Mrs Vnd-Hype,"please don't do anything with that pitchfork until the Alien has a chance to explain why it considers the near wiping out of our livelihood to be a a work of art".

But Mrs Van-Hype had no reason to be concerned as the alien displayed an irresistible hypnotic charm,especially when it came under attack.Even as Mr Van-Hype let rip with a torrent of venomous fundamental truths like " YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN AN OBNOXIOUS LITTLE RUNT WHO IS OBSESSED WITH DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!",the alien just smiled,and Mr Van-Hype was overcome with the desire to adopt it.

Mrs Van-Hype could not have been more pleased as she always wanted a son, and because it bore a striking resemblance to themselves, especially around the nostrils, made it even more special.

The Van-Hypes may have lost a farm, but they had gained a son, and his name would be Damian Van-Hype, the same as great grandad Van-Hype,the artist, who also had a grossly exaggerated sense of his own importance, as did every Van-Hype, in whatever happened to be their chosen field of activity.

PAGE 22; the life of Damian Van-Hype,pt 2

Although the alien was not entirely sure about it's new name,Damian Van-Hype,it was more sure about losing it's real name,Virulent Virus, and so it embraced it's new earth parents, promising to be a true and loving son,which suited the Van-Hypes because now they could put it to work for free.

Mrs Van-Hype was more convinced than her husband of Damian's artistic abilities and suggested their son might produce some masterpieces to finance the rebuilding of the farm and perhaps even their retirement in old age.

It sounded oh so easy.All they had to do was leave it with a pencil and paper and wait for the lolly to flow in, but it didn't quite work out that way, because when it was confronted with said pencil and paper all that appeared after a full day was a blank sheet.

Mrs Van-Hype didn't give up and thought maybe it's media was paint,but that didn't seem to be the case either, because after a week with a full pallet of paints,canvas and every brush emaginable, nothing happened.Mrs Van-Hype began to worry and started to express doubts about her judgement of Damian, but that was nothing compared to her husband, who was on the brink of reversing their decision to adopt the Alien.

"What's the point of keeping it if it can't draw or paint" exclaimed Mr Van Hype,"we might as well hand it over to the appropriate authorities, and have done with it!"

"No we wont" demanded Mrs Van-Hype,"and let's get one thing straight, he's is, and always will be, our dear son Damian, and not an 'IT'!"

Nothing more was said as Mr and Mrs Van-Hype made their way outside to hide the spacecraft, but they needn't have bothered as it had already mysteriously disappeared. Suddenly realizing there was much more to Damian than they had previously thought, they rushed back to the farm cottage where they had left Damian alone. They weren't sure what they were expecting to find,but if it was their intention to stop it happening. Unfortunately, it was too late. Every stick of furniture was sawn in two; chairs,tables,and even doors, everything!

Mr Van-Hype's only concern was for the cat, while Mrs Van Hype was thinking Damian was annoyed because they didn't understand the blank paper and canvas were the actual works of art.On-the-other-hand, perhaps they were standing in the midst of the masterpiece,'DIVIDED FURNITURE IN A DIVIDED SOCIETY', either way, it could be the start of a new genre...and if Damian could make a spacecraft disappear, then perhaps he could do the same with high minded art critics that may regard his effort as so much junk.The future looked rosy.

page 23; life of Damisn Van-hype, pt two

Grandad Van-Hype, who had been down the pub during the extra terrestrial event, came rushing through the door shouting,"Hey, guess what, one o'them UFO things has been spotted coming down, and they say it landed somewhere around here!"

Mrs Van-Hype didn't want their son growing up being called a UFO or worse,and so after a quick think she said to grandad, who also wouldn't accept a UFO as a grandson,"Now listen grandad,we never told you how our first born was kidnapped at birth...well he was, and now he's been returned to us all grown up to be a fine boy, and, thank god, he's alright and normal, apart from his eyes... just don't look at his eyes!"

There was nothing to worry about because just like Mr and Mrs Van-Hype wanting a son, Grandad wanted a grandson, and nothing more was said on the matter.

The Van-Hypes could now see the way ahead to launch Damian's career, which they could not have considered had Damian not the power to destroy all critics intent on blocking his path to the top. It all seemed pretty straight forward and nothing could possibly go wrong, but the Van-Hypes were not taking any chances and embarked on a program of disciplines.

First, they agreed to always refer to Damian's work pieces as ART,and not JUNK, until he was older and wiser to understand the use of the ART word was just for the punters.

Also on the list would be instructions on how the most humble object will be transformed into an iconic metaphor for the meaning of life when touched by Damian..


Deluding Damian into thinking his JUNK was ART proved not be the most difficult part of his education as the Van-Hypes suspected he actually thought it was art,although they were never really sure,however,teaching him how to deliver the woffle words to justify the existence of his junk art proved to be more difficult, as it involved learning a whole new language of meaningless claptrap,


The Punters might be deluded into thinking Damian's art was something more than junk, but the Van-hypes weren't,which is why they were prepared to accept almost anything he might offer as his next and most significant work..or so they thought, in fact, nothing could have prepared them for what Damian created next...or to be more factual,FOUND.

TO BE CONTINUED...